So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
