Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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