Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
