u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
