Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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