I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
