My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I have grass duct taped all over my body
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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