My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
