Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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