I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
