and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
