theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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