Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
