Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
