real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
