i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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