If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
