Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
