I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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