Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
