Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
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