So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
