if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
