Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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