my phone needs a breathalizer
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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