i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
whose parrot is this?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
