she looked like the before picture.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
