Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
