...so i touched it.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
