Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
