i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
