woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
