her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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