I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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