I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
