and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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