Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I still have a little drunk in my system
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
