Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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