He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
where are you?
Hypothermia
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
