The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
