I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
