I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
