So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
