i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
