I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
