A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
my being single is dangerous.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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