I puked a lego.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
