The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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