It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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