Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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