wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
